Joseph K. Indenbaum, MD,
1926 - 2025
A few years ago, when Joe was in his 90s, I asked him what he wanted to do about an obituary. "That's your problem" was the only answer I got.
Writing the life story of a man who lived 99 and a half years, had a long career, was married three times (!), who never stopped learning, analyzing, thinking, reading, was a tall order. Publishing the whole thing in the LA Times would have cost over $4,000. He would have hated that.
I posted it here instead.
He was not an easy father for a kid. I think he was flummoxed by children — which is strange, because he trained as a pediatrician, and practiced for several years. He liked his patients fine, it was their parents that drove him nuts. Maybe he was puzzled by his own kids because his childhood was so different from ours.
But for an adult, he was the father you would want. I am a better person because while I did not always live the way he might have wished, the choices I have made have always been influenced by what he might think. And I have had to justify every life choice to myself using his criteria, even if I didn't have to justify it to him.
I found the best birthday card for his 60th birthday. He loved it, he even framed it. And he kept it, I found it still in his house in September. Click here to see the best birthday card ever.
We had two celebrations / memorial events in September. The first was a military honors interment at the Los Angeles National Cemetery. It took some real fortitude to get that done: dozens of phone calls to the mortuary, the cemetery, the VA, the Army, back and forth, but it was truly special.
Photos: the flowers Rosa and Judy Hoffman prepared for the niche, and our wonderful, diverse honor guard: Sanders & Song.
The second event was a gathering we held in a bakery café near their house in San Dimas. It was our hope that Mary could attend, and that is why we chose the spot that was closest to home for her, but she was not able to be there. The proprietors did a beautiful job. I think Dad would have liked both of these events. For all he accomplished he was a humble man.
Read what Rosa said here.
You can see the slideshow I made for the celebration here.
Joe and Mary were cared for by the Visiting Angels and by Community Care Hospice, both in Glendora.
Mary Ryan Indenbaum, 1935-2025
I first met Mary when I was 16 or 17, probably on a weekend sailing trip on Joe and Joe Lipow’s boat, the Tusitala. She was, on and off, part of my family life from then on.
It’s never easy to be the child of divorced parents; and the addition of a new partner into the fabric of one’s family can go well, or it can go not so well. I have seen both versions of this. Joe and Mary, even though it took them a while (17 years!) to figure out how to be together, were the best example of how it can go well.
I think once my dad met Mary, there was never really any doubt that she was The One. I know this because of how spectacularly happy she made him when she finally agreed to marry him. You only need to look at the photos of them together to know this.
And I have many photos taken of all of us together: Dad and Mary, me and Rick, and our mom, Terry, and later on, my kids, Sam and Rosa. By the time Joe and Mary married, Mary and Terry were comfortable together – maybe because it took so long for them to get it done! We celebrated birthdays all together, we gathered for other events and for non-events. I cannot remember a moment of tension, or any situation that was other than lovely.
One memory is most important to me. My mom passed away in September 2014, early on a Sunday morning. Later that morning, Joe and Mary came to the apartment. They brought lunch (Mary’s idea!). We sat around remembering and sharing. At one point, Mary went into the kitchen, perhaps to prepare the food. Rosa happened to follow her in and later told me that Mary was in there weeping. It touched me deeply that she grieved for my mom. It touches me now that there was so much kindness in Mary for all of us.
To have lost them both in such a short space of time is hard for all of us, but it seems to make a sad kind of sense. Each without the other would have been very sad indeed. May the memory of each, and of them together, be a blessing.
Here is a link to the slideshow that Mary's family created in her memory.
Mary's family asked for memorial contributions to Mary's favorite charities — ASPCA, Best Friends (cats, not dogs), or Defenders of Wildlife.
I also recommend The Roland Center, dedicated to empowering adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities, providing residences, employment, and activities.
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